You know those beautiful moments in your life that stand out more than others? The moments that you often dream of and thought they were just that… too good to be real? Those are what I call White Picket Fence Moments. There are so many in my new life, here are a few examples of some that I know made my heart melt, I hope they do yours too.
The first time he cooked with me, and while doing so offered to pour me a glass of wine…two things that never happened in my marriage. In the back ground I could hear my children laughing, playing, arguing and enjoying one another. At that moment I felt something I had never felt before. I felt like I was living in a home and was not alone.
The very first time he looked into my eyes ….deep inside my soul and told me he loved me. He wanted nothing from me, he just loved me for me. I didn’t have to pretend to be anything I wasn’t. I honestly didn’t know that existed.
He came in the kitchen one morning and said to my kids, your mother is so beautiful. I was so far from it!! My hair was a mess, my jammie’s didn’t match but he thought this girl with all her issues was beautiful. I never felt beautiful. Never. I didn’t when I was a young child, I didn’t in my teenage year…never. The way he looks at me is so sincere, so honest, so loving. In his eyes, he did see me that way, and you know what for the first time in my whole life, I was starting to feel it.
I was scared and alone. It was my father’s funeral service and I had to speak about the loss of my father. The only man that I felt would ever love me unconditionally was gone and I had to talk about him. My wonderful man didn’t feel it was his place to come to the service, (they had never met) but he came, he did it for me. I walked up to the podium looked out into the audience of 100’s of people and he was the first one I saw. I saw him in his baby blue shirt and sports coat, he smiled a gentle smile and in my heart I felt peace. In my heart I knew I would never feel alone again. The man I had adored most in life was gone from this earth but this wonderful new man was looking at me and loving me like I had always dreamed.
My brothers and I haven’t been close in years and over the years I’ve felt further and further distant from my immediate family. My heart aches nonstop about it and I have nightmares about it. I feel as if I have lost my family. I cry often to this wonderful man about it and he always holds me and I feel so safe. The first time I talked to him about it, he looked me straight in the eye and he said I am so sorry about your family and no one can take their place but I want you to remember this, I am your family and you will never feel alone again.
No relationship is perfect but this man tries so hard to do what is right to make it good for us. If something is off between us or we disagree, he wants to talk about it and work it out right away. I am not used to that!! I’m used to no communication and with that, comes built up anger and frustration. We don’t have that because he wants to work/talk everything out until we feel comfortable.
How many people can say that they are loved beyond words. I never thought it would be me. NEVER. I wanted it as much as I want air to breathe. I wanted to be adored and loved, I wanted to be looked at like I was it. Was it out there? Oh my gosh yes. The love that we have is more than I could have ever dreamt of. Do other people have this? Do other people feel like I do? This man loves me. He tells me all day every day. He tells me I’m the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. He tells me I am sexy, and beautiful and amazing. He says I’m beautiful from the tip of my toes to the top of my head. Me! The girl that thought she was so ugly….Ugly feet, big nose, big thighs, chubby hands. ME. He loves me! Every heartache, every tear, was worth it to find this type of love. ME, someone loves me like I matter….it is an amazing feeling. My wish is that our kids see the love we share and they will not settle for anything less. I did the first time around and they don’t deserve to go through the sadness, loss, and heartache that I did.
For the first time ever I had a Mother’s Day! Yes, I have had 15 Mother’s Days but it was never about me, it was always about all the other mothers in our life. This year was the first year the day was about me. I know that sounds strange to some but honestly, I loved it. I’m not his mom and I’m not the mother of his children but this man made me feel so special and so loved all day.
One of my brothers and his wife would always have the same plans on a Friday evening. They would put on music and drink wine together. I just loved that! I thought how wonderful it was that they shared the same interests and enjoyed being together. I never had that. Now when we have kid free nights we will sit for hours together listening to music, and drinking wine. I LOVE IT. I love that I have something that I saw such beauty in years ago and longed for and now I am living it.
A song. A simple song. It can remind you of beautiful memories, a sad time of your life. It can make you happy or bring you to tears. I have always loved music. It is what got me through some hard days. I am sure most of you have heard a song and thought of someone. I know I have, but I never had someone say to me, this song reminds me of you, or I love this song because it reminds me of us. I absolutely love that he thinks of me when he hears a song…don’t laugh but we have songs. Silly right??! I’m a 41 yr old woman and I get excited about a man thinking of me when he hears a song.
I absolutely love that we fall asleep together, in bed, side by side every night. We intertwine our feet and I hold his hand as we fall asleep. It is a sense of peace, of togetherness, of love as we end our day.
Sometimes the simplest statements mean so much. We woke up one morning and he kissed me and said “Thank you for being my best friend”. What a beautiful statement! When you have had a marriage that wasn’t great, you realize even more, how important things are in your second relationship. We try so hard to never take what we have for granted.
I was always called the princess….never the Queen. Silly isn’t it! My ex-husband used to say, the Queen to my mom and I always thought, aww, he really love her. And he did! But in his eyes shouldn’t I be his queen? Nope, not to him. I was always the princess. I speak this loudly to all you woman out there…you are not the princess of your home, you are the Queen. If you’re not, you’re not with the right man. I was getting ready to go out one night with my love and he said, come on my queen. I stopped and paused, and my eyes filled up with tears. What did I just hear? This man has no idea the one word he said I had been waiting to hear my whole life. I turned around hugged him so tight and told him the story of me always being called the princess and that I had hoped someday, someone would think of me not as second but as the one. It’s not always the big things in this world that can turn your day or your life around it can be that someone says something so simple as Queen that can make you feel like the most important person in this world.
I found a man, at just the right time of my life. My dad was an amazing man. I think part of the reason my first marriage didn’t work was because I wanted my ex-husband to love me the way my dad loved my mom and I thought I wanted a marriage just like theirs. And ours was far from it. What I have realized is, I wanted someone to love me unconditionally like my dad did. I found it about 6 months before my dad passed away. He came into my life at an amazing time. I had just ended a relationship with a man that I liked but he wasn’t the type of father figure I needed for my children (he wasn’t the best person for me either). This amazing man was different than anyone I had ever met. He was soft and sweet but a man’s man. He loves sports, is smart but doesn’t brag, he made me laugh and we had so much fun together. He got me….weird because NO ONE has ever gotten me before. He communicates with me, which I had never experienced before. He likes the things about me that I had always hated about myself. For the very first time in my life I found love. I told him the other day,I felt sorry for him because he has to be everything to me. He is a father figure to me since my dad passed, he is a brother figure to me since I’m not close to my brothers anymore, he is my best friend, which I didn’t know was so important in a relationship, and he is my lover. He looked me straight in the eye and said I will always be everything to you. WHAT???? With all the pressure of being all those things, he does it, and does it so well. I will be honest things have not always been easy, and they never will be perfect but you fight hard for what you love and what you want. We disagree, we argue, I cry, my feelings get hurt but as time goes on, things get easier because he loves me for me. Thank you God and thank you Dad for watching over this man for me. For giving him the strength to deal with the roller coaster of emotion that I am. Thank you for giving me love that I have always dreamt and wished for.
Life as a Party of 9 