Red Flags

I wrote in the post My Story about Red Flags. We all have them in our life. Some people deal with them immediately, some choose to ignore them. Not only did I choose to ignore my red flags but I ran from them. Looking back at all of my red flags, I now see they were all in my life for a reason. Most still hurt to remember but I’m putting them in the past and moving forward and enjoying my new life. Here are some examples of red flag moments:

 The Bachelor Party. 

Two night before we got married was “the bachelor party” I was excited for him because he made sure it was taking place with his out of town family and friends there to attend. Our work friends planned the party for him. All our friends and family were invited. The evening of the party I was sure it was going great and that he was having a wonderful time…..that was until 5:30 in the morning when I got a phone call from a bridesmaid of mine telling me her husband was at the party the night before and my fiancé never showed up. WHAT?!?! My first thought was oh my gosh he is dead. I lost him, he must have been in a terrible accident. I quickly got off the phone, called his cell phone over and over again. NO ANSWER! I then went over to his apartment to see if he was there because that is where he was supposed to stay with his out of town family. My heart was pounding I was crying and so scared. I rushed to his place opened the door and the apartment was in perfect condition. Not a soul was there. I was sure then he must be dead. There is no way he would stand up all our friends.  They had been planning this party for him for weeks. A few hours later he called….all happy and cheerful. He decided he wanted to hang with his out of town family and ditch the party. He didn’t give them a call to say he couldn’t make it, he changed his plans, nothing. He left them waiting for him for hours. He never called to apologize or explain himself to our friends. I was humiliated. Not only were these his friends but they were all my friends, my girlfriends husbands, and my dad’s friends and our co-workers. We had a lot of people upset about what happened. Some were so mad they called to tell me they weren’t coming to the wedding. I asked him why he did it…no answer. I asked him what he did instead…no answer. I knew at that moment I shouldn’t marry him but I did. We had so many family and friends in town and we worked so hard to bring this beautiful wedding together. I was too embarrassed to disappoint people. Throughout our marriage it was understood I was not to ask or bring up “The Bachelor Party” because he would completely shut down and close me out. Communication is key to any healthy relationship. We didn’t have it from the very beginning.

When I walked down the aisle

This is the moment every girl dreams of…it was finally here. I was behind the glass doors in the narthex of our church with my arm entwined with my dad. My dad told me how beautiful I was…. But lets be honest don’t all dad’s say that to their daughters on their wedding day?!  I was so nervous, did I look good enough, was I skinny enough, would people look at me and think I was a beautiful bride…those were the thoughts going through my head. The doors opened, the music started and my dad and I walked down the aisle. My eyes were fixed on my soon to be husband. We made it, I was standing next to my man looking into his eyes….and I said to him “you look so handsome” his response was thanks. Never once did he say you look beautiful, you look good, nothing. The whole ceremony I thought to myself, he doesn’t think I’m a pretty bride….my heart was broken.

Our honeymoon

We honeymooned in Hawaii. It was amazing! It was so beautiful and it fell into my “perfect” beginning to my “perfect” life. Things were going good. We did some sight-seeing and enjoyed the beaches, the pools, and the food. I was sure to pack all the lingerie I got from my lingerie shower.  What girl isn’t excited to look pretty in new things?!  About 4 nights into our honeymoon I came out of the bathroom in one of my new little outfits. I was young, had low self-image issues and didn’t feel confident but I wanted to impress my new husband. I walked out into the bedroom and he laughed at me. He did! He laughed at me!! I was so embarrassed! I walked back into the bathroom cried, took of the little outfit and put on a t-shirt and came back out. I got into bed and fell asleep feeling so completely alone in this new life.

 Our one year anniversary

I thought it would be fun to take a vacation to celebrate our 1 yr anniversary. I found a cruise and booked it. I was so excited. It was a 7 night cruise. How fun would this be….NOPE not at all. I forgot that on a cruise they put you at tables with other people. He doesn’t like socializing. They had gambling on the cruise, how fun would that be to gamble, I had never done it before. I can tell you without a doubt it’s not fun doing it alone. He wasn’t into gambling so he would go back to the cabin and sleep and I would go alone…is that fun, NO. There were other cute young couples on the cruise, they seemed so fun. A few tried to talk to us, he wanted no part of it. I have to say as excited as I was to go on the cruise, each day I got sadder and sadder. I got off that cruise and told myself that was the last time I will be doing that. I was 25 yrs old and I knew I’d never do this again with my husband. What a sad statement.

 Double Dates

I should have known, I should have known!!!! I would want to throw up before we would go out with another couple to dinner. I would get so worried…could I keep the conversation going, could I make sure he wasn’t boring, could I make them like me. He didn’t speak when we were with friends, it was all on me. I like people. I am good at talking and carrying on a conversation but the pressure was too much for me….I should have known.

 Babies

Oh my goodness, I loved being pregnant. I loved the idea of having babies. It was all I ever dreamed of! When you picture the day your child is to be born, its magical and pure joy. You don’t picture the sad hard parts. Our first baby was a hard birth. I was in labor so long, he was so happy inside me, he did not want to come out. Maybe he knew more than I did. My sweet brother sat by me and talked to me for hours and where was he, sitting on the couch on his laptop working. They ended up having to use forceps to get him out. It was very uncomfortable. I didn’t care. I was just so excited to have my first born in my arms! My ex-husband was in love as well. He would look and stare at him in awe. He did not look well though. I guess the birth was so much for him. He slept, he slept, he slept and he slept. He slept when people would come into the hospital room to meet our new baby. He would snore and snore and sleep. It was as if he had that baby. I didn’t sleep one wink in the hospital. They said if you want to sleep the baby needs to go to the nursery…. Well I wasn’t having any of that so as he slept I held that baby. I didn’t want him away from us. At that moment I knew that child was ALL mine!!

Our son was born. It was so exciting! I was ready to birth this little guy. And my ex-husband was as happy as could be sitting on the couch working on his computer. He wouldn’t even look up when the dr. would come in to check on me. He kept working and working. My dad came in, sat on the couch next to him and talked to me. MY DAD, he was my rock. During labor it can get long and lonely, my dad was there. Talking and laughing with me.  This time my ex-husband stayed one night with me and one night at home so he could be with our other child. I was ok with that. It annoyed me that after I gave birth, he was sleeping all the time. Our first night home from the hospital I finally slept and when I woke up the next morning I was feeling refreshed and excited to be home with my precious family. I was also starving. I don’t like hospital food so I don’t eat when I’m in there. I got up out of bed and told my husband I was starving. Most men I would think would say, what can I get you, not him, he said we have some zone bars if you want to get one….umm OK. Right after that without hesitation he said, when can I have a hair cut. I’m not kidding. I probably looked shocked. I was shocked, and hungry and sad. Can’t I catch a break, can’t my husband take care of me for just a little bit. I guess not, I went to get my zone bar and started cutting his hair.

Our little guy was on his way! I was beyond excited. I knew without a doubt, this one I was going to do my way. I invited my dad to come and sit with me during labor because he was my conversation. My sweet mom watched my two big boys while my dad hung with me and chatted and don sat on the couch with his computer. When it was time to push, my dad left and there we were ready to go. My ex-husband was next to me and then he was feeling dizzy, the nurses came around him and took him to the couch and layed him down because he couldn’t stand. It was too much for me. I was eye to eye with my Dr. and he said to me. Hold your own legs its just you and me and for a a brief time it was. I know this isn’t nice but I was so mad. AGAIN left. In the middle of a very important moment, I am left alone! I was done with him. I was happy to bring my sweet baby into the world, but the disappointment I felt was so heavy. Thank God my wonderful mother came and spend all her time with me at the hospital. We would drink pots of hot tea and have visitors while my ex-husband was with the big siblings. Honestly I was happy, I was with my mom and my ex was away. Isn’t that so sad??

I was pregnant again, I know people say this all the time, if you’re so unhappy, why do you have so many kids. I wanted to feel love. I desired it, I longed for it. I wanted babies and a family. My children gave me that. AND I hoped and wished and prayed my ex-husband would eventually see what we had and love us all. It got really bad when I was pregnant with my last baby. I was doing everything all by myself. I was exhausted, sad, hurt, and he was isolating himself more and more. I finally said to him, if you want to stay in this house you are going to have to get on medication. He did and it was great for a while. Things were going great. We all seemed pretty happy. And then our baby was born, and he was still on a roll, the medicine was helping and things were good. But things don’t last like that forever. He started reverting back to his old self. He would sit inside on the couch with his laptop and I would be outside playing, teaching the kids to ride their bikes, throwing the ball with them, taking them for walks, doing it all…all by myself.  I was alone. I was a MARRIED SINGLE MOM. I had a house full of love and laughter from my kids and a husband that didn’t speak to us. It was such a sad place to be. I busied myself with my family, my friends, decorating my home, volunteering for everything but it still didn’t fill my soul. I longed for love, desired it, saw other people with it and WANTED it badly. I noticed I was irritable all the time. I was taking it out on my parents, my kids, myself.

Made big purchases without talking to me first

My ex-husband went through a depression after each of our children was born. With part of the depression came a car. I guess he needed a project?! I’m not sure but it happened every time. I’m not one for big Godly jewelry, designer clothes or new cars. It’s just not me….well after our 3rd baby he went out with the older two and came back with a minivan. I was nursing on the couch and the 2 littles walked in screaming we got a new car we got a new car. In my head I am thinking….oh lord here we go again! I get up and peak out the window and in my drive way is a brand new silver minivan. I was sick to my stomach. Let me give you a bit of background… when I was 20 I had a girlfriend that said to me…you look just like the type that would have a minivan someday. Oh my gosh that stung so hard. Me?! A minivan person?! NO WAY! At that very moment I promised myself I would never drive a minivan. Now fast forward 10 yrs and there it is….sitting in my driveway…the dreaded minivan. I looked at my ex-husband and I said…you know I never wanted a minivan, why did you buy one?! His response was, the kids wanted one. Are you freaking kidding me?! My kids wanted it?! Of course they did. It had doors that slid open and a TV/DVD player in it. What kid wouldn’t want it? He never thought for a second my wife hates minivans I know she wouldn’t want this….to make it worse, after our 2nd baby was born he bought a Tahoe. I loved that Tahoe! It looked like a car I could drive. That car still let me have some mystery to myself. I could pull up in a Tahoe and people wouldn’t know if I was a mom or not, if I had 1, 3 or 6 kids. It was an everyday good looking car. Driving that minivan, there was no mystery at all! You took one look at me driving and everyone knew…there goes a mom of multiple kids. On that day…a bit more of me died.

The Move

As exciting as having a baby another great moment happened…we were moving out of our home of 11 years to a bigger home with a bedroom for each of the kids and a beautiful backyard of my dreams. We only had 2 weeks to pack up our lives. I didn’t care, I was so excited to start a new adventure. So what do most couples do when they move, they box and prepare together. Well not this married couple. I spent every second of that two weeks boxing, cleaning, and preparing for our move plus, took care of the 4 kids. I was angry inside but I had no time to be angry. I had a deadline that was fast approaching. On that 14th day, I was ready!! And I was so excited. He did help move all the boxes and furniture into storage and I was there for every second. I was thrilled!! Maybe he was excited? I was thrilled he was finally stepping up to the plate and participating in our move….well that was short lived. We had to move into my parents’ house for a few weeks as our new house wasn’t ready for us yet. I was so thrilled, my parents were my best friends and I was going to be able to smile, laugh, and talk to people 24/7 and they would carry on a conversation with me. We were planning on painting all the rooms in our house before we moved in. We did….but it wasn’t me and my ex-husband that painted, it was me and my parents. They were always my rock. They always picked up his slack. Sooo….my parents and I would go in the evenings after my dad got home from work and we would paint. I was so grateful and so blessed for my parents, without them there is no way I could have survived my marriage. Ok back to the move…we finished painting and ready to move our stuff into the house. I asked a lot of my girlfriend’s husbands and my dad and brother to help my ex-husband move our furniture and boxes into our house. They did and on one of the hottest days of the year no doubt. My father always thought of others and he went out and bought waters for all the helpers. My ex-husband just doesn’t think like that…..to me it was embarrassing and rude. After everything was moved into our garage we had to bring it in and make our house a home. I was so excited!! After a few days of moving everything to where it was supposed to be and moving the boxes to the appropriate rooms, I was so tired. Keeping up with my wild and crazy kids and setting up our home I was at my lowest point. I was doing it all alone. I can remember sitting in our game room with boxes over turned with all the toys everywhere. It was a huge mess. I sat in that room for hours and hours with the kids running around laughing throwing things having fun and there I was sitting in the middle of it all unable to move, to clean, to organize because my mind and heart were so sad and lonely. Here I was again doing things all by myself. Our new home had lots of windows that looked out into our backyard and it was so bright and sunny but I couldn’t see it. All I saw was darkness, sadness, and once again my home was full of loud children but I felt completely alone. Why didn’t my ex-husband want to be a part of our family. Why didn’t he see the sadness and sleep deprivation I was in? He couldn’t, he couldn’t see past his own issues to think of anyone else. Once again my fairy tale was over before it even began.

 The Baseball Game

We were at my son’s baseball game. It was a late game, Our whole little family was there.  By the time the game was over, it was dark out. We were all walking out to the car to go home and I ran into some of my friends so I stopped to talk to them. Well, my ex-husband didn’t like that. He continued to the car with our older children while I chatted to my friends and my baby on my hip. After a few minutes I walked to the parking lot and looked around…they weren’t there. I thought maybe I forgot where we parked because we are always at the fields, maybe this night I didn’t remember. I walked the whole parking lot. He wasn’t there. He left me. He left me and my baby at the fields. I didn’t have a phone, he had it in the diaper bag. What was I going to do? I started panicking. We lived too far to walk home and it was pitch dark but what else was there to do, so I walked. As I was walking out of the parking lot he came driving in. My big kids ran out of the car, crying for me. They were so scared and sad that their dad left me and their younger sibling. I got us all into the car and he said to me…that should teach you not to stop and talk again. WHAT???? What does this show our children? Just leave a woman when they don’t obey? My heart was broke.

 The Concert

We were invited to go to a country concert with tons of friends we were so excited. I got a new dress. I was going to be with all my favorite girlfriends and we rented a party bus…fun right?? Well we were all supposed to pre-party at a friend’s house. Everyone was there having fun and enjoying drinks and food. Were we there ?? NOPE. My ex-husband refused to get ready. Actually he refused for so long that the bus almost left without us. They waited 45 minutes after departure time because why…life goes on his time. He never thought of others.

The Vacation that didn’t happen

My girlfriends and I planned a trip to New York. What we decided was, we would go to New York and the husbands would go to Wyoming. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? We thought so!!!We found a hotel, the flights, we had a plan and were so excited. The girls were booking their flights so I went to ask him for the credit card and he says to me. You can’t go…what do you mean I can’t go? He said you can’t. No explanation or anything. I was so sad, so hurt. These girls were my best friends… we planned this get away. Well I didn’t go but guess who got to go with their husbands to Wyoming? Yep, he did. How is that even fair?

The big 40

My husband was turning 40 so I wanted to surprise him and make him feel so special. I planned a surprise party for him. I was so excited. I had all our family, and friends over, I had a karaoke machine and I moved our big screen tv outside by our pool so he could watch his favorite football team with all his buddies outside. It was supposed to be a wonderful night. In some ways it was, everyone had a good time. The drinks were good, the food was delicious, and I did it, he was surprised! The sad part was, he didn’t even enjoy his birthday. He sat in one seat in front of the tv the whole night. He didn’t get up to talk to anyone, didn’t socialize, nothing. When people were leaving he didn’t even get up to say goodbye, how embarrassing!

Christmas

Our last Christmas together I was still trying….I was always trying to make him want me and love me. It consumed me….it’s so sad looking back. On Christmas Eve, I thought I’d put a little something special on for him and surprise him….you know give him a little Christmas present. I put on a little black teddy, the highest black high heels I had and a long sweater over it. I walked out of our bathroom and took my sweater off….I was so nervous but excited! He took one look at me and got into bed and went to sleep. WHAT?! Who does that!!! My ex-husband did, not just once but multiple times. Why did I torture myself like that….I just kept thinking one of these times he is going to want me. So I put my sweater back on, slipped out of my high heels and while he slept I moved 60 wrapped gifts out of the back of the closet all the way upstairs to go under our Christmas trees. Merry freakin Christmas to us.

 I wanted

I wanted, wanted, wanted and wanted. I wanted the spatula at target, the brown sandles, the hair bows for my daughter, the cute clothes for my boys, I wanted. I wanted things to fill my void. The void of feeling so alone. I thought I needed perfection, I needed the house to be vacuumed every day, each pillow propped perfectly on the couch. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner made from scratch at just the right time. I did all these things to fill the void of emptiness. I never realized until I felt complete, I felt worthy, I felt love that all those little things are just that little. I want for nothing. I don’t need much at all and if the laundry gets wrinkled because it is in the dryer too long, I don’t get upset. Its all ok, when you feel worthy and loved all those little things are ok. What is it, I think it is relaxed. I feel so peaceful in my mind, my heart and my soul. That is an amazing feeling. So sad all those years were wasted on wanting and needing. I missed out on so much.

 Our child’s Birthday

I love holidays, and I especially love birthdays. I want my children to always remember I tried so hard to make them feel special on THEIR day. Part of their special day meant they got to choose their favorite breakfast, lunch and dinner. This little birthday cutie loves food and loves to cook. We had looked at recipes the night before and chose what we wanted to cook for the special day. We were planning on making birthday pancakes to start the day off right! I got up early that morning to make sure they were ready for when everyone woke up. I got out of bed and went straight into the kitchen. That is when my heart dropped. It was dark, I went to turn on the lights and nothing. I looked at the microwave clock and it was off. I went to another room, tried the light switches, nothing. I went to wake up my husband and told him what I discovered. He replied, they did it, they shut off the electricity. I’m sorry but what does that mean…they did it? Well, come to find out he had not been paying the electric bill. I have no idea why, I got no explanation of why. Stop and think for a second how you would feel…you woke up excited to make your child feel special only to realize you have NO ELECTRICITY. The house was dark but my heart and my soul was even darker. I quickly ran through the closest Mcdonalds drive-thru, picked up some pancakes and came home. I put a candle in them and I sang happy birthday in the dark to my sweet birthday child. My heart was broke, I felt like I had disappointed my child on their special day. I had felt disappointed a lot but when it happens to one of your children, there are no words.

  Valentine’s Day

I love love and I love holidays. What better holiday than Valentine’s Day! I put up decorations, I cook and make all red food. I do heart crafts. I love love!! On this Valentine’s Day, it was very cold and snowy. We had been stuck in the house for days because of the bad weather but that didn’t matter, I was so happy to be celebrating this day of love with my sweet family. My husband said, you always do everything for us, how about this Valentines I will cook for you. Well, how could I pass that up, he didn’t cook…ever! I was so excited. I don’t need gifts but the thought that he thought of me enough to do something as special as cook meant the world to me. I was so happy! My oldest was dying to get out and play in the snow. I couldn’t go with him because I had a tiny baby at home that was nursing around the clock. I asked my husband to take him and he said NO, he had work to do (it was a Saturday L). I spoke with my parents and told them about out plans and that my oldest wanted to be outside and how sad I felt that I couldn’t go. Not 30 minutes later my dad came over with a sleigh and took my oldest outside in the snow for hours. Now that is a man! That is an example of a wonderful man! On this special day of love, my oldest was seeing and feeling it through his papa and my heart was full! My dad left and I was still so happy after seeing my oldest enjoying this day and I knew I wasn’t going to have to cook our special meal, it was going to be made for us. 7pm rolls around, 8pm rolls around 9pm rolls around and nothing. No mention of cooking dinner, no mention of our valentine’s meal. I was so sad. Did he forget? I don’t know.  We didn’t communicate a lot so no words were spoken about dinner. I sent an email to a girlfriend of mine about what happened and later in the evening she sent an email back and said go to your mail box. I did and in it was the sweetest note and a heart shaped necklace. It wasn’t the Valentine’s Day I had thought it would be but it was one I will never forget. I was shown love by a beautiful friend and by my father.

The margarita

Who doesn’t love a margarita?! I don’t know many people that don’t. I know my husband sure did. Do you know what?? He would make himself a margarita and never ask me if I would like one. I am not kidding. He didn’t!! I became numb to things like that. It was the norm. He never thought of me.

Fired

Our day was like all other days, busy and full of activities. About 2 o’clock that afternoon. The front door opened and in walked my husband, white as a ghost, sweating, and upset. All he could get out was, they did it, they finally did it. I said what happened? He said they fired me. They escorted me out of the building and I can’t return. OH MY GOSH!! I was so sad for my husband. I felt so bad. How could something like this happen? My husband when right into bed and didn’t get up for 2 days, I on the other hand called my dad immediately. I told my parents what happened. My dad like the man he is, called everyone he knew and within 2 days, he had my husband a new job! What an amazing man! He was always there to save the day. My mom was my support. I took our kids and spend the days with her because I couldn’t bear to see him so depressed. We never found out what really happened and why he got fired because there was no communication. I do know, it had to be something pretty serious because big corporations don’t just escort a single individual out of their building without doing their research. I know at that moment, I had to start relying upon myself.

New adventures

I was feeling it was time to start making some money. My kids weren’t babies anymore so why not get a part time job. I was so excited to have found a sales job. It was s weekend job which worked good for our family’s schedule. I will admit, it was very different to leave my kids and go to work but I did it until I couldn’t bare it any longer. I would leave at 8:30 in the morning and come home at 6 at night. My kids would cry and hang on me as I walked out the door and when I got home, they would come running to me and cry because they missed me so much. We were always a tight little group, me and my kiddos. My husband was there all day with them but I came to realize, like me, they felt alone in the house. Their father was there but he didn’t make them food, didn’t play with them, and didn’t interact with them. They were watching out for one another. The final straw was when I came home from working and all the kids came running out to me saying the police came to the house. While my husband was “watching” them, they decided to call the police department. Boy, did that scare everyone. A police car pulls up at the house and they come into the house and spoke to my husband and kids about how it isn’t right to call a police station without an emergency.

 Dateline

We had a beautiful huge tree in our front yard. With that brought a lot of leaves. Our yard looked like fall! One afternoon I decided we should pick up the leaves and make it look nice, you couldn’t see the ground it was covered so high. I started racking the leaves and putting them into bags. That went on for hours and hours and hours. I worked long into the evening. The kids came out and helped but they soon got tired too. My husband finally came out around 9pm and said, can’t  you hurry up, I don’t want to hear about you on dateline and he walked backed in. Not once did he offer to help. He would rather hope I don’t end up on dateline. I was always alone with always.

 My birthday

It was my birthday and we always had big family parties. I was getting our house ready and was excited to spend the evening with my family. I had asked my husband to go out and get some drinks and ice for everyone to have that evening. I didn’t see him around the house so I assumed he was out running to the grocery store. I had everything just perfect for the party and my family started to arrive. I was excited and so happy. Everyone was there and in walked my husband. I asked where he put the drinks and he looked at me with a blank stare. He had no idea what I was talking about. He forgot. He had one thing to do to help me get MY BIRTHDAY party ready and he forgot. He quickly ran up to the corner convince store and got some drinks and came back. I know some people might think I am over reacting but I just wanted someone to be my partner, I wanted someone to care enough about me to want to help me.

 

The slap in the face

My aunt died, it was a very sad day for all of us. I knew I had to go to the funeral but it was 11 hours away. My wonderful parents offered for me to drive with them.  I got my big kids off to school the morning we were leaving but we still had one at home. My husband was kind enough to stay with the kids while I went away for the weekend. I did not leave my kids often especially over a weekend so I was sad and worried but I knew I needed to be there for my cousin and uncle as their mom and wife just passed. I bent down to cissy my little one goodbye and she slapped me right across the face. I was in shock!! I looked at her and I looked up at her dad that was right behind her. He looked me right in the eye and said that is what you get for leaving her this weekend. I was so shocked, I turned right around and walked out the door. I got into my parents car and I cried. What was my life coming to? That was the beginning of the end for me.

 Our last vacation

We were so excited my inlaws were paying for us to go on vacation. They were flying us and paying for our hotel and activities. We were thrilled. We didn’t go on vacations unless our families paid for it. I will repeat…WE DID NOT GO ON VACATIONS UNLESS OUR FAMILIES PAID FOR IT. With young children you have to try to keep a schedule. I’m not a huge schedule person but, kids get tired they need to take naps and rest. My inlaws didn’t understand that and kept us going and going and doing things that weren’t always good for our little kids. I asked my husband to please speak up for us and put us first and he couldn’t do. I begged him to think of the kids, they were tired, worn out, we all just needed to rest. He just couldn’t speak up for all of us. It was an easy request, one that I am sure my inlaws would have understood. We were done. I was tired of living this way, tired of not being a priority. I knew leaving that vacation there would never be another one.

 Hiding

When things would get hard in our family, or overwhelming to my husband he would sit in the closet and hide from all of us. I understand we all have hard times and need breaks but this happened more often than not. I would also go looking around the house for him at times and I wouldn’t be able to find him. I would load all the kids up and drive around. There were many times I would find him at night in his car in a park parking lot crying. It is scary to see and hard to explain to my children. I didn’t want my kids to think this was the norm and when you can’t deal with something you run and hide.

 The truck

My husband finally got a truck he had always wanted. We were all so excited. My oldest child even went with him to pick it out because he said it would be his car when he turned 16. A few months went by and I got a knock on the door. The kids and I all answered the door together and there was a man at the door looking for my husband. I explained he was at work and he said he was here to get the truck because it was being reposed. WHAT?? EXCUSE ME?? Then my heart sank. My husband said he was getting his truck worked on and was borrowing a friend’s car to get around. I confronted my husband about this and he finally told me the truth. He said he wasn’t paying on the car so he had it hidden at a friend’s house while he used her vehicle. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? What does this show the kids, its ok if you don’t pay for a purchase just hide it and hope no one finds it?  I wanted to leave for a long time and after hearing that I knew I had no choice. I was not going to live in fear of someone knocking on the door slowly taking away our life. I was going to find a way to create my own life and destiny.