To get to know me, I thought I would share My Story. How I got to be in this beautiful blended family. There are many pieces of my life that brought me to where I am now and this is the beginning.
I am a 41 year old woman that was put on this earth to be the mother to my 4 little cuties and a mother figure to 3 sweet girls. I am beyond blessed that God chose me to be in all their lives. I am a lover, a laugher, a believer in living the happiest life possible. I believe people are put in your life for a reason, to teach you lessons good or bad but lessons you need to make you who you are supposed to be. I believe family is important and as important are friends…They are your family you get to choose.
I am a woman that has had deep sadness to the core of me and I am lucky enough to have set it free. My whole life I put on a front. I tried to be what everyone else wanted me to be. I never had confidence, self-esteem or believed I was good enough. I was bulimic for years because it was the only thing I could control. I wanted to be perfect like my mother, I wanted to have as many friends as my father, I wanted to be Martha Stewart for my children, and wanted to be worshiped and adored by my husband….
And then one day I realized I’m none of those things and I am not happy trying to be something I’m not. And this is where my story begins
Every little girl dreams of finding her prince charming. We all want the fairy tale. Growing up I never saw my parents fight, yell, or scream at one another. I thought people in marriages just loved, why would they fight if they loved each other so much…right?! As a child I lived a life that everyone admired. We had two loving parents that adored one another. They showed us what true love looked like. I had 3 younger brothers, and we were living the American dream.
I was 24 when I got married. I found a man that looked just like the man I was supposed to Marry. He was tall, dark and handsome with a deep voice and a quiet disposition. I thought it was perfect. He didn’t say too much and I talked a lot, we were complete opposites. I always heard opposites attract. Six months after our first date we were engaged, six months after that we were married. I was on the road to the life I had always dreamt of. Getting married, taking care of a man, a house, and having children….something I had dreamt about my whole life! I saw myself begin to change, I had always been a social person and we were staying in and not spending time with friends, we just watched TV and he worked on his computer. I was content….I cooked, I made our house a home and spent a lot of time with my parents…the only people he felt comfortable being with, and I dreamt of becoming a mother.
After a year and a half of marriage the day I had been waiting for my whole life arrived. My 1st gift from God was placed in my arms. It was everything I had ever dreamt of and for the first time in my life I felt like I had a purpose. That day was amazing but the man I had always wanted to be by my side and be my rock was not there. He never showed up. There were signs after we got married that he wasn’t going to show up and be the man I had always wanted but I refused to admit it. My husband, the father of my child, was so distant. Here I was, on top of the world….I had just had my baby and he closed himself off, he slept continuously and was depressed. I wanted to share in the amazing time of my life with my husband and he couldn’t, his mind shut off. He just didn’t know how to handle this new situation. Months went on and things improved a little here and there but he was still quiet and enjoyed his computer more than he did me. I was so consumed with motherhood and the love for my baby boy I ignored the quiet that surrounded us. A person that desires love finds ways to fill their emptiness and my way was having babies. I was ready to try for a second child. I took my temperature daily, I had an ovulation kit, I was ready. I wanted to try, try, try. My husband said he was ready too but when it was time for bed, he had a headache or just didn’t feel good…I thought that was supposed to be my line?! After 2 yrs of trying it happened again and then 2 more times after that. I had what I had always dreamt of….4 healthy beautiful children. I had a clean and organized house. I exercised to look good, I cooked all the time and I tried to be everything everyone wanted me to be. It was so tiring. I did it all, all by myself!! I would be over the top in all areas of my life to make up for the sadness that filled my heart. Right before my 4th child was born I told my husband…I cannot do all this alone and raise 4 children. You need to get on medication or leave. It was hard to take care and worry constantly about him and try to be an amazing mother that my children deserved. It scared him enough that he went to the Dr. and got on medication. Things improved a bit, I was over the moon. I believed my family was finally coming together. My fairy tale was happening.
It was short lived. Listen, I could and wanted to blame him for everything but I can’t. I was so unhappy deep within my soul trying to be everything that everyone wanted I forgot who I was. I suddenly realized I said yes all the time to everyone for anything they needed and I’d say I’m sorry for things I had no idea of why I was saying sorry for but I did it because I wanted everyone to like me. I was dying inside. I was so skinny, so unhealthy, so sad, so heartbroken but no one knew because like most people in this world I wanted everyone to think I was perfect… that we were perfect.
I lived that way for years with red flags constantly flying right in my face. They were smacking me so hard they’d try to knock me down but I always pulled those flags away and stepped on them and continued on my fake way through life.
I had made amazing friends over the years. My friends were my out. They were my happy place. I laughed with them. I started opening up to them on how my marriage really was. As I was doing so I listened, watched, and witnessed great marriages in front of me, marriages that I longed for. I watched men look at their wives like I had seen my dad look at my mom and I was heartbroken. For the first time I understood my marriage. I could try to make myself, my children, my home, my life seem blissful and perfect but the underlining issue was my husband didn’t love me and I didn’t love myself. Now, listen, he told me he loved me, and I told him I loved too….a lot. I’m a hugger, a kisser, a touchy feely person and we did all that. I did it for show. I wanted him to love me and I wanted people to think he loved and adored me. He didn’t, and that was a hard realization. And for the first time I realized I didn’t love him for who is was. What a heartbreaking mess I was in.
You can’t make someone love you it’s something they feel deep within themselves. You can cook all the best meals and hug and kiss and tell them you love them all day but in the end, it’s up to that person to feel love and show you. It was out of my control. Looking back I’m sure I loved him but not the way that I should have. We said it enough, we had 4 kids together but I realize now, I was in love with the idea of him and a family not madly and deeply in love with who he was and what was within him.
So now what?! What do I do? Do I stay in a marriage where there is no communication, I feel alone (I’m sure he did too), and completely lost within myself? Or do I find a life, live happily and show my kids that there is laughter, love, and happiness that can be had within our 4 walls? I thought long and hard. I tried talking to my husband, telling him things I needed, I desired, I hoped for. I thought the more I would communicate the better our marriage would get. The thing is, without love, is there a marriage? Do kids deserve to live in a home with two people that barely speak, that don’t enjoy the same things in life, and a mother that is completely dead inside?
I did what I thought was best for me and my kids. I wanted them to hear laughter, to see smiling, and to feel love like they had never felt before. When deciding what to do with my marriage, I realized the one gift I had always hoped for, my children, was not getting all of me. I was not happy being the wife I was to my husband, I was bulimic, which was destroying my body, my heart was so sad it was blocked and not giving my children all the love they so rightfully deserved. What was I doing to these 4 beautiful children? Who would they become if I didn’t give all I had to them?
I made the hardest choice of my life. I had to end my marriage….
I always believed if you have family and friends surrounding you they will love and support you unconditionally…I quickly learned that if they have never gone through your situation or walked in your shoes they don’t always understand. And instead of trying to “get it” some got upset by my decision.
It took me years to understand this and finding true love myself to fully understand how people can’t get a situation they know nothing about. Most of my family and friends married the love of their lives. They can’t even begin to understand how someone could have 4 children with someone and then decide they want a divorce. To them it is unimaginable. I get it now. They have the gift of love. They have never experienced not having a rock, a lover, a best friend. They believe since they have it everyone else does too…well this is not the case.
My divorce was worse than I could ever imagine. I was told your divorce will mimic your marriage….mine sure did and I still cringe at all the terrible times I had to go through. The pain of losing friends and family that I thought would stand by my side, it was heartbreaking.
Let me start with a positive. My ex-husband and I sat down at our kitchen table to tell our children that he was moving out. We told them holding hands so they could see we were a united front. They all said ok. I asked if they had any questions, one of my sons said will we still see dad? I said yes and that was it. They got up and went back to playing. Now if it was only that easy telling everyone else. It wasn’t…it was the start of a nightmare. I told my friends and my family. Not many were supportive, not many understood. But let’s be honest, I put on such a great show having everyone believe we were perfect. Most people couldn’t understand what happened and what went wrong.
Things between me and my ex-husband got bad, really bad and when things get bad I tend to slam a door on that part of my life and open a new one…one that when it’s open I can breathe. Slamming that door, pushed people away and made them understand less. I didn’t realize that at the time but it was my defense mechanism. By shutting the door on my pain and my past, I starting laughing again, I stopped having an eating disorder and finally realized it’s ok not to be perfect, it’s ok if I’m not super skinny, no one is going to care if my couch pillows are on the floor, or if there is a dirty dish in the sink, and it’s ok if all 5 beds aren’t made by 7am. It was ok to just breathe and find out who I really am.
I was happy with the start of my new life but I was also so sad so scared so lonely so heartbroken but guess what. …I had always been only now I was showing it and not hiding anymore. I was showing the world the real me. Most people weren’t happy with the real me. They voiced their opinions extremely loud. I had some horrible dark nightmarish days, days I don’t ever want to relive. I’m not here to talk about ever little situation, we all have them. We all go through hell to find peace.
I lost family, friends, and I was alone BUT ….I was finally free of the hell I was living inside myself, and for the first time in my life I looked at my beautiful children and felt a sense of bliss, of love even greater than I ever imagined. For the first time in my whole life….I was home.
Life as a Party of 9 